Be fat at least once in your lifetime.

It’s official! Well, it’s been official. I’m big. But today I sat on a water bottle cap for 20 some minutes and never even noticed! Apparently the discomfort of sitting on a cap was masked by pain I have other places or it felt the same as sitting on my own cellulite. Either way, I’m sure I’ll soon find a Twinkie or half eaten sandwich between my fat rolls and say, “Hey! How’d that get there?”

A few findings of my own…
1.) When you are fat people think you are lazy.
2.) When you are fat people think you are dumb.
3.) when you are fat people look at your body first, (abdomen), and then your face second.
Now, I don’t have any great research backing this up. All I can tell you is I’m living it. You would have to take the “fat journey” for yourself to get the full flavored treatment.

You say, “Just work out lady!” I say, you’ve never been fat.” The bigger you get the more sedentary you want to become. First, it takes effort to move such “mass” and it’s hot, sweaty, and painful when you are large. Secondly, have you ever seen a turtle trying to get off it’s back? That turtle is me. Most pregnant lady’s have disproportionate bodies by the end of pregnancy. I can’t imagine doing the elliptical in public with a huge belly full of baby right now. Some women have and kudos to them, for they are the “rockstars” of pregnancy. I fully support those efforts.

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Research and OB’s are saying it is safe to do most physical activities, (working out), as long as you were doing those activities before pregnancy. In other words, don’t start crossfit in your eight month of pregnancy.

In fact, while I’m writing about this I think it’s sad our society wants to ridicule someone doing their best to stay in shape and have a healthy pregnancy. And other pregnant ladies, (like me), or “the Jabba the Hutts” of pregnancy are smiled upon and accepted for our planet sized figures.

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This article is interesting…
http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/20/health/pregnant-woman-weightlifter-crossfit/

I wasn’t in shape like that lady before pregnancy. So I’m not going to beat myself up now for not being as fit as I could have been for this kid. Rather, because I’m closer to the end I’m just going to focus on small stuff…walks and some light weights. Maybe I’ll practice less self loathing. After the baby comes I will put more pressure on myself for weight loss and fitness. I’m trying to make small changes I know I can keep for this new year! In the spring I’m going to look like Kelly Ripa! 😉

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Boom!!!

Happy New Year everyone!!

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New Year Resolutions

Love this blog!

Covered in Beer

images-3While most of you are going to pledge to quit smoking (already did) or lose some weight (I’m fat because I quit smoking), I decided to do it differently in 2014 and resolve to accomplish things that I actually might stick to past February. My first one is in the title. I think saying “New Year’s” resolutions is incorrect because they are mine, not the year’s. How could a year resolve to do anything? If I’m incorrect, I don’t care (that’s my second resolution). Anyway, if you like any of these then let’s pledge to do them together.

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Suck it!

If tonight you are checking back in for the “Holiday Strata” recipe you can suck it! (I will give it to you tomorrow…just in time to get your ingredients last minute. I hope you get stuck in Walmart holiday traffic! Just kidding. But hey, buy the darn book if you want it sooner! Gee whiz!)

This is for all the pregnant mommas, the fitness guru’s, the “wanna be” slender, and the holiday fatties. One of the benefits of my pregnancy has been I’m creative in the kitchen. Although, I really don’t cook a ton. (My hubs is probably nodding with agreement and laughing right now.) But every once in a while, I will concoct something really great that deserves an award. And since I can’t see my private parts to shave them anymore, tonight I’m making a protein shake!

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Aww! Don’t be sad! It’s a really great protein shake! My two year old and I like to share a protein shake and watch cartoons. She doesn’t know it’s not ice cream! And it’s hard to get kids to eat sometimes. She even loved it!

This is my “Banana nut bread protein shake” with no bread, no nuts, and no bananas. Okay it has bananas. I’m not that amazing!

In a blender:
1cup ice
1 frozen banana (make it a half if you are really trying to cut calories.)
1 scoop vanilla protein powder
1 1/2 cup milk ( or sub almond milk)
1/4 tsp All spice (pumpkin pie spice)
3 shakes cinnamon
-Blend. Drink.

That’s all you need! It’s so easy. You already have those things in your kitchen. A friend of mine, a triathlete, taught me to peel and freeze my bananas before they get too ripe. I hate throwing away bananas! Sometimes you just can’t get to them fast enough, so this is a good solution. And they are always waiting on you when you feel like a protein shake.

Your welcome holiday fatty! 😉

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Hump day, fun day!!

Good afternoon loyal fans and happy Hump day! As one of my Christmas gifts to you I’m giving you this much coveted strata recipe. I rediscovered this cook book in my collection as I was deliberating over what to serve for Christmas breakfast. As you know I’m pregnant and lazy and I do not care about impressing anyone. That’s why a strata is perfect…you can make the night before and pop it in the oven for an effortless meal Christmas morning. This is by far the tastiest strata I’ve made, but if you don’t like crab there are many other strata recipes in this book….

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I must tell you, I HATE cookbooks without photos of the food. And if the lady at Williams Sonoma hadn’t raved about it I wouldn’t have given this book a second glance. But, it is loaded with splendid breakfast and brunch recipes made with simple ingredients. Frittatas to French toast bakes, you will not be disappointed. Now that I’m thinking about it, this book itself would be a great Christmas gift.

Okay, let’s get to it. This is the Crab Strata supreme. If you don’t like crab then you can suck it! (Just kidding…I will also give you the “Holiday Strata” recipe from this book…probably tomorrow.)

1/2 French baguette cut in 1/2 in cubes
2 Tbs butter
4 oz. mushrooms sliced
1/2 cup diced red pepper
6 green onion chopped
3/4 cup diced celery
2 cups Swiss (I use shredded)
8 oz crab (Don’t get imitation. Yuck. Gosh, you are a cheap ass!)
8 eggs
1 1/4 cup whole milk
1/4 dry white wine
1 tsp. dry mustard
1/4 tsp salt
1/8 tsp black pepper
1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

-Spray a 9×13 pan and spread cubed bread in pan.
-In the butter, Sauté mushrooms, pepper, onion, and celery until tender.
-spoon this mixture over bread evenly
-Layer Swiss and crab over sautéed mixture.
*whisk eggs, wine, milk, and seasoning. Fold in sour cream. Pour over entire bread mixture. Refrigerate over night.
-Christmas morn bake at 350F covered with foil for 35min…uncover and bake for 10 additional minutes. Let stand for ten minutes. Serve.

A guy I hung out with WAY too long had an Aunt that served some sort of egg casserole gloppy goo for Christmas. Her version had ham. I’m taking you on a little trip to a slice of my life a few years ago….I’m laughing so hard reminiscing! There were other holiday food “experiments” I pretended to eat as well! One was a frozen turkey, cooked on the outside but frozen on the inside with the giblet bag still inside the cavity! (Oh yum! Can I have more please? It’s the gift of diarrhea for Christmas!) Another relative of the same guy made mashed potatoes with mayonnaise…every blasted year. It was a “family tradition.” If there is anything that could absolutely make me hurl on demand it would be mashed potatoes with mayonnaise! But, this family swarmed like hungry vultures over this pile of holiday horse shit. Cranberry sauce was poured from a can, green beans were from a can, etc. let’s just say, this family was full of brilliant cooks! Lol! Maybe if you’ve had to tolerate another family around the holidays you can relate? However, my hope for you is to be blessed and enjoy the food! It’s one of the joys of Christmas!

I love the holiday colors in this dish! It’s full of texture and rich flavors. It’s perfect for a Christmas morning brunch. And if you make it I will personally come over and congratulate you on being an awesome person and I will drink three mimosas with you! Oh darn it! I can’t right now. Maybe next year!

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Best Christmas gifts list of all time ever.

Happy Holidays! I hope all of your Christmas dreams come true and you get one of these this year…

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That’s right folks it’s a Twinkie maker! And you thought there was nothing more useless than the waffle iron you got last year! In case there is ever a shit storm and Hostess goes out of business you can make your own Twinkies! Oh wait….that happened.

(This is where I’m breaking one of my rules. I vowed to never blog about my family! But when Hostess met its recent doom and gloom my sister as a special treat to her one year old niece, bought a box of the newly expired company’s Twinkies. She thought since these Twinkies were the last on planet earth and never to return they were the ultimate gift! After all, how can you grow up in a world without Twinkies? They never expire anyway! Which leads me to tell you that upon finding the gifted Twinkie in its special place a year later I noticed it HAD been expired by eleven years! Still perfectly preserved in the package, I examined it. No mold…no signs of decay. I immediately called my sister.

Yes! She had eaten one! Mourning the last Twinkies on the globe my sister and her husband, not noticing the date, toasted Twinkies and gobbled every hydrogenated speck! Ha!!!!! You don’t believe me? Curious what an eleven year old Twinkie looks like? Here it is…

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Intact and totally mummified there is the Twinkie.

It is pretty awesome how our whole country freaked when hostess took a tumble. All the fatties…(Oh sorry! I mean disabled people), rushed their motorized wheelchairs in packs like Harley’s riders through Wal-mart to get the last of the goods. Isn’t it interesting that the same group can’t make it to work or walk from a parking space a little further, but ice, snow, and apocalyptic hellfire aren’t going to keep them from getting a Hostess Ding dong? Well, I feel the same way!)

Wow! What a side story!

Other gifts on my crap list include but are not limited to…socks, underwear, and key chains. Also, if you are giving away anything with your company’s logo you are a cheap ass…unless you own Apple. Your loved ones will enjoy any thing with a clown on it. Also, here are a few more Christmas gift treasures…

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Popular when I was a kid, somehow these “chia guys” are STILL around. And if you get me one of these I will take it back for the five bucks of CVS store credit.

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This may be the best gift of all time. “Hey it’s Antarctica out here, but I still need my damn cigarette!” (I’m picking on everyone today.)

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Every toddler needs one of these! “Start em off right!” The only thing better would be a “Little Tikes carnival worker kit.” It would include a rusted marijuana pipe and some prophylactic penicillin.

This year lets just do what we did last year. Let’s talk of going on that winter wonderland trip to Aspen. But, let’s just trade Starbucks gift cards instead!

Probed in Oklahoma City, Part Deux

Maybe if I lived in a more metro area things would be more accessible to me. For instance all the good groupons are in Dallas. They get deals on full sets of eyelashes and fancy frozen yogurts. OKC gets discounts for laser toenail fungus removal and tattooed eye makeup. I still need to find my basics around town…a new dentist, hair stylist, nail place, etc. And so my search in a new city for an obstetrician continues.

“Excuse me…Hi I’m here to check in for Dr…” I’m interrupted. “Ma’am! Fill this out ma’am.” She slides a little piece of paper just larger than a post-it across the counter. It says Name, Doctor, and reason for visit. Hmm. Well I was about to tell you this information with my WORDS but okay. I guess I will fill out this form instead. I fill out the tiny paper and slide it back. She examines it. “Are you a new patient?” she asked. I think to myself, “Oh so NOW you want to talk?” I kindly reply, “why yes I am…as circled on your little paper.” Only in the healthcare industry are people treated so rude. Greeting people and smiling are obsolete. I swear there is more customer service buying a sweater at the Gap! She hands me a Sears catalog of forms to complete.

I wait an hour.

Finally my name gets called, a version of my name anyway. I think she said, “Hally” but, whatever. (I mean have you ever met a Hally? This is not a usual name. Ok, I’m over it.) Ok…yeah, I’m Hally….sure. Let’s get this over with and meet the new OB who will potentially deliver my baby. I pray he’s not a weirdo. I strongly hope he’s in the prime of his practice and not a thousand years old. And I cross my fingers he can show signs of a competent practice.

She calls another patient back as she calls me. Oddly, we walk together. The other patient is seriously right behind me. I can’t make this shit up. Next, the nurse asks me to step on the scale right in front of the other patient! At this point I think, “Am I on a game show? This has to be a joke! Right?” I would be frantically pulling all removable items from my body at this point. Shoes, jewelry, and my purse all must go! This is the part when I usually spit in the trash a few times to lighten my load. (Hey! Every little bit counts.) But, I was so distracted by pregnant patient number two on my tail I leaped on the scale. Whew! Great, that’s over! Hope they won’t examine my cervix in front of patient number two as well!

I was given a room and waited for the doctor. Apprehensive and a bit sad, I yearned to see my super smart and vivacious OB’s face from my previous town pop his head through the door. Beside me I stared at the pathetic ultrasound equipment from the seventies encrusted with old ultrasound boogers. There was nothing. I waited.

A few more minutes went by and I see a friendly smile missing a tooth. She introduces herself as Betty. Very proudly she shared that she has been working with Dr. X for 23 years and she starts to doppler my pelvis. She moves my abdominal fat around searching for a fetal heart beat for a few minutes. Not impressed I longed to finish the appointment. Success! I hear a “swoosh swoosh swoosh” sound. Okay Betty, you’ve done your amazing feat for the day. Reward yourself with a new dental prosthesis.

Next the doctor finally comes. I liked the doctor. But, he kept referring to me as, “advanced maternal age” I guess because I’m pushing 35. I was like, Hey guy! I have a name. And it’s not “advanced maternal age” and it’s not fucking “Hally” either! Even so, I got the impression he’s done a few thousand C-sections which makes him a candidate for the job. He’s nice enough. He’s smart enough. Ding ding ding!! You’re my doctor. I don’t like you as much as my previous OB, but I’m ready and willing to settle.

Happy holidays everyone! I want to share this ridiculously good cheese ball recipe with you. You can be a big holiday fatty and do the full lard version. Or you can do reduced fat cream cheese and cheddar. I swear both versions are outstanding. Either way, my brother- in law will attest that this is bar none the best cheese ball of all time! God bless him! He made me feel like Martha Stewart!

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-Cream cheese x 1 bar
-Finely shredded cheddar x1 small bag
-3/4 cup chopped jalapeños
-Green onions x 1 bundle chopped
(about 7 stalks)
*mix these ingredients, form into ball.
*Roll in chopped pecans.
*Right before serving cover with hot pepper jelly.
Any sweet hot pepper jelly will be great. I like Razbanero hot pepper jelly. If you live in Tulsa it’s at your local Reasors. If you live in Oklahoma City you can’t find it anywhere! Sorry.

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You can serve with any cracker. Wheat thins are great, but my favs are Stacy’s pita chips. If you serve this you will be the belle of the ball! 😊

What to eat when eating for two: Protein

Love this! So important. Very motivating for me to read. It’s easy to get in a boring routine with the same foods. Great info.

Baraka Birth

We are rarely counseled on diet and nutrition, whether pregnant or not. Partly this is a consequence of having very little face time with medical care providers–about 15 minutes on average according to one study–but also diet and nutrition counseling isn’t necessarily part of the care we receive from doctors or nurse practitioners. I’ve seen both medical doctors and alternative care providers, and what I didn’t learn from the doctors but did hear an earful about first from my herbalist, and then later from my own herbalism and midwifery studies, is that diet and nutrition are at the foundation of wellness (or as the old Hippocratic adage goes, “let food by thy medicine and medicine be thy food”).

This is so incredibly important for pregnant women, from the preconception period all the way through breastfeeding. Once pregnant, a healthy diet protects mother and baby from a variety of risks…

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Potato Preggo

Is it possible a regular gal like me could end up in the best shape of my life by my due date? This is my journey. With my first pregnancy I wondered if it was possible for someone to make a fitness transformation during pregnancy. I looked for information, but found little. Now, I’m six months pregnant with my second baby and I find I’m in the same situation of overeating and lack of exercise as my first pregnancy. At work today my scrub pants actually felt tighter and I considered bumping up a size. Grrrr. I’ve decided to clean up my act and document my progress.
I’m doing this for several reasons. I want to prove to myself I can do it. At nine months with my first baby I had gained so much weight it was difficult to move. And when I was moving I was short of breath! After the fact, I decided I could have done things differently. And this time around I wanted so badly to focus on great nutrition for my baby and staying healthfully active. The start was strong, but my good intentions flopped somewhere around moving to a new city, finding a new job, chasing around a two year old, the holidays….etc. Or should I just blame it on pregnancy fatigue? Either way, one cookie has led to another and I find myself already 30 pounds plus at exactly 6 months through my pregnancy. Today is one day post Thanksgiving holiday and I’m hating myself for not doing better. This is not the “fit” pregnancy I wanted for myself this second time.
Another reason I’m willing to expose myself are for women, (like me), who have looked for something to reference and never found it. Some may think going from “flab to fab” during pregnancy is taboo. I say, “why not?” Is gaining so much weight during a pregnancy that you are short of breath really enjoying a pregnancy? I don’t think so. Maybe this will be a bit of inspiration to someone in the same boat. I must mention this is not a diet. I plan on the appropriate amount of nutrition, calories, and probably occasional chocolate indulgences. It’s important to be realistic! I’m doing it all with exercise and regular visits to my OB. Will I fail? Admittedly, I’m curious if I’m strong enough. What am I capable of achieving? Is it possible to get fit after already gaining weight during pregnancy? Let’s see what happens. Right now, all I can think of is the left over banana pudding in the fridge!

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