Maybe if I lived in a more metro area things would be more accessible to me. For instance all the good groupons are in Dallas. They get deals on full sets of eyelashes and fancy frozen yogurts. OKC gets discounts for laser toenail fungus removal and tattooed eye makeup. I still need to find my basics around town…a new dentist, hair stylist, nail place, etc. And so my search in a new city for an obstetrician continues.
“Excuse me…Hi I’m here to check in for Dr…” I’m interrupted. “Ma’am! Fill this out ma’am.” She slides a little piece of paper just larger than a post-it across the counter. It says Name, Doctor, and reason for visit. Hmm. Well I was about to tell you this information with my WORDS but okay. I guess I will fill out this form instead. I fill out the tiny paper and slide it back. She examines it. “Are you a new patient?” she asked. I think to myself, “Oh so NOW you want to talk?” I kindly reply, “why yes I am…as circled on your little paper.” Only in the healthcare industry are people treated so rude. Greeting people and smiling are obsolete. I swear there is more customer service buying a sweater at the Gap! She hands me a Sears catalog of forms to complete.
I wait an hour.
Finally my name gets called, a version of my name anyway. I think she said, “Hally” but, whatever. (I mean have you ever met a Hally? This is not a usual name. Ok, I’m over it.) Ok…yeah, I’m Hally….sure. Let’s get this over with and meet the new OB who will potentially deliver my baby. I pray he’s not a weirdo. I strongly hope he’s in the prime of his practice and not a thousand years old. And I cross my fingers he can show signs of a competent practice.
She calls another patient back as she calls me. Oddly, we walk together. The other patient is seriously right behind me. I can’t make this shit up. Next, the nurse asks me to step on the scale right in front of the other patient! At this point I think, “Am I on a game show? This has to be a joke! Right?” I would be frantically pulling all removable items from my body at this point. Shoes, jewelry, and my purse all must go! This is the part when I usually spit in the trash a few times to lighten my load. (Hey! Every little bit counts.) But, I was so distracted by pregnant patient number two on my tail I leaped on the scale. Whew! Great, that’s over! Hope they won’t examine my cervix in front of patient number two as well!
I was given a room and waited for the doctor. Apprehensive and a bit sad, I yearned to see my super smart and vivacious OB’s face from my previous town pop his head through the door. Beside me I stared at the pathetic ultrasound equipment from the seventies encrusted with old ultrasound boogers. There was nothing. I waited.
A few more minutes went by and I see a friendly smile missing a tooth. She introduces herself as Betty. Very proudly she shared that she has been working with Dr. X for 23 years and she starts to doppler my pelvis. She moves my abdominal fat around searching for a fetal heart beat for a few minutes. Not impressed I longed to finish the appointment. Success! I hear a “swoosh swoosh swoosh” sound. Okay Betty, you’ve done your amazing feat for the day. Reward yourself with a new dental prosthesis.
Next the doctor finally comes. I liked the doctor. But, he kept referring to me as, “advanced maternal age” I guess because I’m pushing 35. I was like, Hey guy! I have a name. And it’s not “advanced maternal age” and it’s not fucking “Hally” either! Even so, I got the impression he’s done a few thousand C-sections which makes him a candidate for the job. He’s nice enough. He’s smart enough. Ding ding ding!! You’re my doctor. I don’t like you as much as my previous OB, but I’m ready and willing to settle.
Happy holidays everyone! I want to share this ridiculously good cheese ball recipe with you. You can be a big holiday fatty and do the full lard version. Or you can do reduced fat cream cheese and cheddar. I swear both versions are outstanding. Either way, my brother- in law will attest that this is bar none the best cheese ball of all time! God bless him! He made me feel like Martha Stewart!
-Cream cheese x 1 bar
-Finely shredded cheddar x1 small bag
-3/4 cup chopped jalapeños
-Green onions x 1 bundle chopped
(about 7 stalks)
*mix these ingredients, form into ball.
*Roll in chopped pecans.
*Right before serving cover with hot pepper jelly.
Any sweet hot pepper jelly will be great. I like Razbanero hot pepper jelly. If you live in Tulsa it’s at your local Reasors. If you live in Oklahoma City you can’t find it anywhere! Sorry.