Best Christmas gifts list of all time ever.

Happy Holidays! I hope all of your Christmas dreams come true and you get one of these this year…

That’s right folks it’s a Twinkie maker! And you thought there was nothing more useless than the waffle iron you got last year! In case there is ever a shit storm and Hostess goes out of business you can make your own Twinkies! Oh wait….that happened.

(This is where I’m breaking one of my rules. I vowed to never blog about my family! But when Hostess met its recent doom and gloom my sister as a special treat to her one year old niece, bought a box of the newly expired company’s Twinkies. She thought since these Twinkies were the last on planet earth and never to return they were the ultimate gift! After all, how can you grow up in a world without Twinkies? They never expire anyway! Which leads me to tell you that upon finding the gifted Twinkie in its special place a year later I noticed it HAD been expired by eleven years! Still perfectly preserved in the package, I examined it. No mold…no signs of decay. I immediately called my sister.

Yes! She had eaten one! Mourning the last Twinkies on the globe my sister and her husband, not noticing the date, toasted Twinkies and gobbled every hydrogenated speck! Ha!!!!! You don’t believe me? Curious what an eleven year old Twinkie looks like? Here it is…

Intact and totally mummified there is the Twinkie.

It is pretty awesome how our whole country freaked when hostess took a tumble. All the fatties…(Oh sorry! I mean disabled people), rushed their motorized wheelchairs in packs like Harley’s riders through Wal-mart to get the last of the goods. Isn’t it interesting that the same group can’t make it to work or walk from a parking space a little further, but ice, snow, and apocalyptic hellfire aren’t going to keep them from getting a Hostess Ding dong? Well, I feel the same way!)

Wow! What a side story!

Other gifts on my crap list include but are not limited to…socks, underwear, and key chains. Also, if you are giving away anything with your company’s logo you are a cheap ass…unless you own Apple. Your loved ones will enjoy any thing with a clown on it. Also, here are a few more Christmas gift treasures…

Popular when I was a kid, somehow these “chia guys” are STILL around. And if you get me one of these I will take it back for the five bucks of CVS store credit.

This may be the best gift of all time. “Hey it’s Antarctica out here, but I still need my damn cigarette!” (I’m picking on everyone today.)

Every toddler needs one of these! “Start em off right!” The only thing better would be a “Little Tikes carnival worker kit.” It would include a rusted marijuana pipe and some prophylactic penicillin.

This year lets just do what we did last year. Let’s talk of going on that winter wonderland trip to Aspen. But, let’s just trade Starbucks gift cards instead!